The Waiting

This was still the first day as I had just arrived home from my diagnosis and the library. There I was sitting in my chair stewing in my self-pity, Woe is me!  Before I sank too deep, I started to tell myself that I had to snap out of this funk that I was sliding into. I am mostly a positive person. I wake up happy (ok, I know that makes some of ya'll just sick) but it's true. I am blessed with a happy disposition. On the other hand, we can all be negative to some extent, some more then others. I thought about the pros and cons of my life. I wasn't dead, so there was no use acting as if I'm dying. I started to think that I should do every thing I could, to live longer then those lousy five years Dr. M gave me. The first step was to find the inner strength to believe and to have the faith that I was going to live longer than five years.

OK, now things were a bit better. Not a lot, just a bit, I mean the Dr. just told me I had cancer. I did manage to pull it together enough to think about the phone calls I had to make. What should I say, how should I break it to them. I prefer to be as direct about things as possible, but in a tactful manor. I would be delicate, but I would have to tell it to them the truth. I picked up the phone and made the first call to my parents. They didn't flip out or anything, but I could tell in their voices that they were very worried. Next, I had to call my brother and stepbrother, and then I called my girl friend and her parents. My family and girl friend had allot of questions for me. I had friends to call, but it was late and I knew they would be asking all kinds of questions too. I decided I would call them another day when I had more information. Wow, it had been a very long day and it was finally time to go to bed.

One of the most difficult things about cancer is how hard it is on the people around you. The ones who love you, the ones who like you and the people you associate with. Cancer is one of the words that strikes fear into the heart. The next morning I had to face my own fear. This was not a time to procrastinate. It was time for me to Take Control Of The Hand Of Fate. It was time for me to call this Oncologist. (They are actually Dr's of Hematology Oncology. It's the diagnosis, treatment and prevention of blood diseases). I called the number to set an appointment. I was surprised as they set my appointment for the Monday after Thanksgiving. Success, I had my appointment to see Doctor "S".

Now came a new phase of difficulty. The Waiting.  I would have to wait like 5-6 days to see my new Oncologist. I would have to celebrate the holiday with a heavy weight on my mind. I would have to pretend that everything was ok. I would have to keep smiling. Just llike the Happy/Sad masks are the symbols of Comedy and Tragedy. That was my life at that moment. The fact is though, we are what we think.  I just kept telling my self, I was well, normal, healthy, happy and so on. I started to believe.

The Waiting was difficult. Even though people surrounded me, I was still in my own little world. I struggled with believing in my positive self-image, but I was not going to let this cancer take control of me. It was not me. It was something separate. I was this great guy everybody liked, friendly, life of the party, etc, An extrovert, at least in public. I had to compartmentalize this cancer. It was now part of my life, but it was not going to define my life. I had a giant mountain to climb. I could either give up and lose, or I could die trying. I made the decision to be a warrior and accept the challenge. It was on!!!

Finally, Monday arrived and it was time to go see Dr."S".

That story next time......