All right, so I just left Doctor M's office. I'm in my car driving home. I was single at this time, which meant I didn't have to tell anyone yet. Certain people knew I was at Dr.M's going over my diagnosis, but I figured I would try to get some information first. So let's see... it's 1997, my home computer was an Apple II C, yeah OK, so it was a dinosaur. Heck, I had just started using a cell phone. I never had one of those big cell phones for your car that came in a suitcase. There was no home internet, (not that I was aware of). I went to the Library to find out more information about my Lymphoma.
You know, it's not as if Lymphoma was an everyday word. I started to do research on the subject. I found information on the lymph system, what it did and where the lymph nodes were located. I also found information of the different types of Lymphoma, (e.g.) Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, Non Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, what was Lymphoma vs. Leukemia, etc. Why did I get cancer of my lymph nodes? I kept reading.
The underlying reason I was doing this research, was that I wanted to find information on what the survival rates were. I was a little depressed and reading all the information wasn't really helping. WHAT I REALLY WANTED TO FIND OUT WAS, what were my chances and how long was I going to live.
Well I burned out on that pretty quick, so I just decided to go home. It had been a long day and I still had phones calls to make. I made some copies at the Library and when I got home, I read the information repeatedly. Desperately I kept reading and re-reading, reading and re-reading. Just looking and hoping to find the words that would say: the cancer you have can be cured and you will live a long life, I never found those words. I was feeling sorry for myself, I was starting to get depressed.
As I sat there all kinds of thought were racing through my mind. How long had I had this Lymphoma, where was it located and how bad was it. Now I know that Dr. M said that the cancer cells were not in my blood and the biopsy showed it was only in the lymph node, but he was just my primary Doctor. After reading up on the Lymph System I wondered how many of my lymph nodes had this killer CANCER. Should I go get a second or third opinion? My mind was starting to overload, I mean Doctor M had just told me I only had 5 years left. (Reflecting back on it now, that is much better then when someone is told to go home and get there things in order, because they only have a few months to live). I wasn't thinking about that at the time. I stared to think negatively. What’s the point anymore? Nothing really mattered at this point.
I am not a person that would take his own life. My will to live is way to strong. I had always been positive, a winner. I was smart, school came easy for me. I played all sports (Now that I'm writing this blog and putting some pieces back together, I got mono when I was still 15 and had it when I turned 16). After I recovered from Mono, I started to work. I was the kind of person who took charge. I could never just give up.
Nevertheless...this news, this GIGANTIC WORD, CANCER, it hit me like a shovel right in my face. I couldn’t stop thinking... 5 years, I'm only 44, I started to regret my life and that I had not accomplished anything. I should have stayed in Radio. I should have done this, I should have done that. I was a nobody, I never became important. I was all alone in this world. The depression and self-pity worsened. I thought to myself... my life had been a failure, now I'm out of time. Then with a heavy heart, I sunk deeper into my chair..........Woe Is Me.
stay tuned more to come next time!
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